When Lotion Feels Like Sandpaper

When I was 18, I got a blistering sunburn. The one thing that stands out to me about that experience is that cold creamy lotion gently applied to the burned skin felt like sandpaper being scraped across the skin. What normally would be a soothing process – gently rubbed in lotion – became a very irritating and painful process.

Trying to comfort someone who is grieving can be like that – especially in the early stages when the world has just turned upside down and nothing can make it right again. No matter what anyone says or does, it doesn’t make the grief stop or even subside. Nothing can fix it. And so we have person after person telling us what to say or not say, do or not do, when a friend is grieving. And much of it is coming from the experts – those who have grieved deeply.

On my journey through grief, the one thing that stands out to me is that everyone grieves differently and responds differently to attempts to comfort. What I find comforting to me may actually be irritating to someone else. Some of that stems from the relationship to the deceased. Some has to do with whether or not the grieving person has been through hard loss before. Some has to do with the depth of faith of the grieving person and in whom or what that faith is found. Some of it just has to do with personality. I don't think anyone can write the perfect textbook for dealing with grieving friends or come up with the perfect list of what to say/not say, do or not do for a grieving person.

Each person needs space and time to grieve in their own way. One loves to receive cards, another hates the constant reminder that the world has just been upset by significant loss. One needs to hear people say, "I'm sorry for your loss." And another wants to punch the next person that says that. One needs a friend to sit with them. Another wants to be alone for a while. And that can all occur in the same household and change with an individual from hour to hour and day to day. After I got over the shock and the earliest, hardest grief, I began to realize that people were not trying to annoy or hurt me. Their hearts intended to be loving and caring. And I began to receive whatever they offered as a gesture of their love (a healing lotion) rather than an affront (sandpaper) to me even if they didn't say what I wanted to hear or do what I wanted them to do. No one can read minds and when I was in the deepest part of my grieving, I was in no position to tell others what I needed. So it was a learning experience for me to try to be gracious with whatever people offered. Some obviously clicked better for me than others. But in the end, they all cared the best way they knew how. And I'm grateful.

In II Corinthians 1:3-4, Paul says, “Praise the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and the God of all comfort. He comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any kind of affliction, through the comfort we ourselves receive from God.”

We need not be afraid to reach out to those around us who are grieving. God through His Holy Spirit is able to instruct us if we are uncertain what we should say or do. And even if the grieving person responds a bit roughly, understand it is not because you failed but because their grief is so deep that even creamy lotion will feel like sandpaper for the moment. Pray for them and pray with them if they will allow it. Pray God’s peace and comfort over their troubled and weary souls. And if you are able, walk with them over the long haul – however long it is. I recently sat with someone whose spouse had died five years ago. As they spoke about the experience, tears streamed down their face as if it had just happened last week. When everyone else is done comforting (usually within a few months), the grieving person often takes the social cues and quits talking about it though they are far from done with their grieving. We have the opportunity to be a caring and listening friend and continue to bring comfort through the years when needed. We can pass on the comfort God has provided for us.

God, Your grace is sufficient to meet all of our needs – especially when we are overwhelmed by our circumstances and feelings. And as we experience that grace and heal from our afflictions, please give us the grace to reach out to others and offer them the hope that we ourselves have received from You. Thank You. In the precious name of Jesus, Amen.

God is Alive! Am I?

In the morning I prayed, “God, here I am. I give myself completely to You today to use as You see fit. Let my words to others be Your words, that they would receive the message that You have for them. Help me to stay out of the way and let You work Your good for others.” And then I went about my day. I went to work and people came in and out of my office for various reasons. Small conversations happened here and there. I wasn’t so aware whether God was working any good for them. But sometimes I just don’t see it. 

Then it happened. There was a young woman sitting across the room outside my office and I could see her through my office door. I felt the urge to go to her. So I did. I knew her by name and have had a few conversations with her in the past, so she is not a stranger to me. I asked her how she was doing and there was hesitation in answering. I could tell she was feeling down and gave her space by showing interest but not pushing. As she talked about what was happening in her life, I responded here and there and began to sense that God had things to say to her and was working His good for her. I could relate to her pain and spoke of how God had used hard times in my past to work His good in me. I told her how God truly is good and He truly has our best interest at heart. He does not let anything happen to us that He cannot use for our good. It’s hard – sometimes it is so very hard, but God is good. And we will become vessels of His love when we learn to trust Him and allow Him to do His work in us. Tears ran down her face as we talked. Tears formed in my eyes and my voice too. Then she said, “My pastor is planning to do a teaching on forgiving God. I didn’t think I needed it because I didn’t need to forgive God for anything. But after this conversation, I see that I do need it. Thank you.” And it hit me. God was using me to work His good. He was preparing this young woman to receive words and learn how to trust Him to work His good in her life.

As I was reading I Corinthians this morning, I noticed something I had previously glossed over many times. “In this way, the testimony about Christ was confirmed in you.” It is tucked in this passage: “I always thank my God for you because of God’s grace given to you in Christ Jesus, that by Him you were enriched in everything—in all speech and all knowledge. In this way, the testimony about Christ was confirmed among you, so that you do not lack any spiritual gift as you eagerly wait for the revelation of our Lord Jesus Christ.” I Corinthians 1:4-7 HCSB.

Most of our churches are a pretty big mess – just like the Corinthian church was. Many people go through the motions each week of sitting in a church service, sometimes listening, sometimes distracted by thoughts or commotion around them, but mostly observing with little participation. And I wonder what a church service would be like if people couldn’t wait to get there and share what God has been doing in their lives throughout the past several days. We think of our testimony as the day we said yes to Christ and then we are saved and that is the end of our story. But what of the testimony of this week? Of yesterday? Of today? Does God just save us so we can go on doing the same things in the same frame of mind we did before we were saved?

In a recent email devotional from Walk Thru the Bible, I read, “When we become Christians, we exchange our citizenship on earth for citizenship in heaven. Therefore, we live according to the value system in heaven, not the value system on earth. On earth we look out for ourselves, and we satisfy our own wants and desires. In heaven we look out for the welfare of others.” And I wonder, am I holding on to a dual citizenship. We are saved by God’s grace, but are we fully living according to the value system of heaven or are we holding on to the value system of earth. If we are holding onto the value system of this earth, we do not have an active testimony of what God is doing daily in our lives.

It is this daily testimony of God working in us and through us that speaks into the lives of others with encouragement, grace, comfort, and healing which then gives them a testimony to speak into the lives of others. I envision a church full of people who have a daily testimony of God working in them, coming together and sharing with joy all that God is doing. Our churches should not be a place where we are asking if God exists. Indeed it should be obvious that He is alive and well as we encourage each other through our daily testimony of His grace at work in us and through us.

Thank you, Father, that You do not leave us here to fend for ourselves but that You are always available if we invite Your presence in our daily lives. Today, I present myself as a living sacrifice to You to do with as You will – to work Your good in me and in those You bring into my life. And to You I give all the honor and glory which belongs to You for what You have done and are doing in my life. I thank You and praise You. In the powerful name of Jesus, Amen.