When I was 18, I got a blistering sunburn. The one thing that stands out to me about that experience is that cold creamy lotion gently applied to the burned skin felt like sandpaper being scraped across the skin. What normally would be a soothing process – gently rubbed in lotion – became a very irritating and painful process.
Trying to comfort someone who is grieving can be like that – especially in the early stages when the world has just turned upside down and nothing can make it right again. No matter what anyone says or does, it doesn’t make the grief stop or even subside. Nothing can fix it. And so we have person after person telling us what to say or not say, do or not do, when a friend is grieving. And much of it is coming from the experts – those who have grieved deeply.
On my journey through grief, the one thing that stands out to me is that everyone grieves differently and responds differently to attempts to comfort. What I find comforting to me may actually be irritating to someone else. Some of that stems from the relationship to the deceased. Some has to do with whether or not the grieving person has been through hard loss before. Some has to do with the depth of faith of the grieving person and in whom or what that faith is found. Some of it just has to do with personality. I don't think anyone can write the perfect textbook for dealing with grieving friends or come up with the perfect list of what to say/not say, do or not do for a grieving person.
Each person needs space and time to grieve in their own way. One loves to receive cards, another hates the constant reminder that the world has just been upset by significant loss. One needs to hear people say, "I'm sorry for your loss." And another wants to punch the next person that says that. One needs a friend to sit with them. Another wants to be alone for a while. And that can all occur in the same household and change with an individual from hour to hour and day to day. After I got over the shock and the earliest, hardest grief, I began to realize that people were not trying to annoy or hurt me. Their hearts intended to be loving and caring. And I began to receive whatever they offered as a gesture of their love (a healing lotion) rather than an affront (sandpaper) to me even if they didn't say what I wanted to hear or do what I wanted them to do. No one can read minds and when I was in the deepest part of my grieving, I was in no position to tell others what I needed. So it was a learning experience for me to try to be gracious with whatever people offered. Some obviously clicked better for me than others. But in the end, they all cared the best way they knew how. And I'm grateful.
In II Corinthians 1:3-4, Paul says, “Praise the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and the God of all comfort. He comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any kind of affliction, through the comfort we ourselves receive from God.”
We need not be afraid to reach out to those around us who are grieving. God through His Holy Spirit is able to instruct us if we are uncertain what we should say or do. And even if the grieving person responds a bit roughly, understand it is not because you failed but because their grief is so deep that even creamy lotion will feel like sandpaper for the moment. Pray for them and pray with them if they will allow it. Pray God’s peace and comfort over their troubled and weary souls. And if you are able, walk with them over the long haul – however long it is. I recently sat with someone whose spouse had died five years ago. As they spoke about the experience, tears streamed down their face as if it had just happened last week. When everyone else is done comforting (usually within a few months), the grieving person often takes the social cues and quits talking about it though they are far from done with their grieving. We have the opportunity to be a caring and listening friend and continue to bring comfort through the years when needed. We can pass on the comfort God has provided for us.
God, Your grace is sufficient to meet all of our needs – especially when we are overwhelmed by our circumstances and feelings. And as we experience that grace and heal from our afflictions, please give us the grace to reach out to others and offer them the hope that we ourselves have received from You. Thank You. In the precious name of Jesus, Amen.
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