Counting the Cost

Sometimes the English language is annoying. We use the same word to mean so many different things. How can we sort it all out? The word ‘love’ is the epitome of this problem. I love the color blue is not the same emotion as I love my spouse or my child. And on different days, loving another person may mean different things. So when we read about Jesus conversation with Peter regarding love, without the original language using agapao and phileo, we don’t get the whole picture of the conversation. Agapao is a much stronger, more involved kind of loving. It is a choice of will that acts with the other’s best interest at heart. It is the kind of love that Jesus had for us when he willingly went to the cross to die for us. Phileo is more of a ‘buddy’ kind of love where you love being with someone who has common interests with you.

I imagine that Peter had a hard time looking Jesus in the eye after the resurrection. He likely felt like a failure. He had wanted so much to be strong and go the whole distance with Jesus and he had let Jesus down miserably. Jesus surely was aware that Peter was uncomfortable and needed to talk about the situation so he could move on. So after they had a nice breakfast of fish and bread, Jesus began the conversation. “’Simon son of John, do you truly love [agapao] me more than these?’ ‘Yes, Lord,’ he said, ‘you know that I love [phileo] you.’ Jesus said, ‘Feed my lambs.’” John 21:15 Peter is responding to Jesus with saying, “Come on! Of course I love you. You’re my buddy! Didn’t we have some good times together over these last three years?”

Jesus is looking for more than nostalgia here. So he tries again. “’Simon son of John, do you truly love [agapao] me?’ He answered, ‘Yes, Lord, you know that I love [phileo] you.’ Jesus said, ‘Take care of my sheep.’” John 21:16 I’m thinking that Peter is beginning to think hard here. What is Jesus asking of me? Why is he asking me the same question? I guess I deserve it since I chickened out a few days ago.

Jesus changes his tactic a bit and says, “’Simon son of John, do you love [phileo] me?’ Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, ‘Do you love me?’ He said, ‘Lord, you know all things; you know that I love [phileo] you.’ Jesus said, ‘Feed my sheep. I tell you the truth, when you were younger, you dressed yourself and went where you wanted; but when you are old you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go.’ Jesus said this to indicate the kind of death by which Peter would glorify God. Then he said to him, ‘Follow me.’” John 21:17-20

I wonder if the third time, Jesus was saying to Peter, “I’ll take what I can get from you right now. I know your heart and I know that you will come through in the end. We can start here with phileo. You will learn agapao with time.” In fact, he assures Peter that he will have an opportunity to die on a cross – to go the distance for him. Peter has a decision to make here. Is he going to answer the second call on his life or walk away? The first time, he didn’t know what he was getting into when he decided to follow Jesus with the other disciples. This time he does. Jesus knows that if Peter chooses to come this time, he is in all the way – not just with his thoughtless charging ahead, but thoughtfully, knowing the cost.

My faith journey did not start with agapao. I was young and didn’t begin to understand the cost of love. This discussion between Peter and Jesus is encouraging to me because it helps me understand that Jesus is willing to take me where I am at – with whatever love I am capable of – and keep teaching and moving me toward agapao. I probably won’t end up on a cross like Peter did, but I am constantly asking myself, what am I willing to give up in order to feed Jesus sheep? Society tells me that I should protect myself, my time, my resources. Jesus keeps inviting me to look at people as he does – lost sheep without a shepherd. Will my compassion for others win over my desire to hold on to self-preservation? Will my compassion for others win over my holding on to and accumulating ‘stuff’? Will my compassion for others cause me to give up personal, self-satisfying goals in order to teach others that there is a safe pasture with living water to refresh their weary souls?

Until I let go of everything and fully follow Jesus, I am stuck with phileo – a lot of good feelings but holding back total and complete surrender to his leadership with agapao. How far am I willing to go? How much am I willing to invest?